Anatomy of a Table Flip

I'm working on my entry about the weekend and promise it is worth the wait. In the meantime - check out my favorite scene from last week's Real Housewives of New Jersey finale, director's cut. The two-part reunion airs tonight and Thursday (and I'm sure 200 other times) and I cannot wait. If you haven't been watching, find thee a marathon STAT and learn all about "bubbies" and "chuckies." You won't be disappointed.

You Better WORK!

So, do you want to know how I'll be spending my Sunday? With a marathon of RuPaul's Drag Race on Logo. It's like the TV gods are smiling down on me...

More Gay & Lesbian Videos At LogoOnline.com

I'm Not As Young as I Once Was

So, I haven't posted since my birthday. The real reason for this is that I am probably lazy or possibly I have that seasonal disorder that makes you sad when it is cloudy, BUT I like to think it is because I partied like a rock star (that part is true) for so long that I'm STILL recovering. The long recovery time is probably due to a combo of "lazy" and "in my 30s."

Things that Musings readers have to look forward to:

• Brief recap of Melanie Gras 2009 (10ish days of fun, friends and food)
• The return of Culture Corner (33 Variations, American Plan, Mary Poppins)
• The return of Book Corner (I swear I've read something since the Green Mile) and an update to the sidebar (I'm already Twittering (tweeting?) my ass off!)
• Television thoughts (24, Lie to Me, Celebrity Apprentice, RuPaul's Drag Race, America's Next Top Model, Dancing with the Stars, American Idol and a whole host of other shows that you probably aren't watching)
• Assault at The Penthouse: A Story of Mel C. and a mouse named Jerry (please say a prayer that this is a one-part story)

Sorry that it's been so long, but hopefully I can be back on track now.

So Much TV, So Little Time!!!

Just when I think I'm caught up on what's back on TV and am finally free to settle into a routine, something new pops up that I think I need to work in. Here's the latest group of shows you might be missing.

Shows Premiering This Week
The Beast (A&E; Jan. 15) - Patrick Swayze's new show
Sober House (VH-1; Jan 15) - Follow the patients from Celebrity Rehab as they try to stay clean
Big Love (HBO; Jan. 18) - When we last left the Henrickson's, the shit was hitting the fan big time.
United States of Tara (Showtime; Jan. 18) - new show featuring Toni Collette
The L Word (Showtime) - I don't watch this show, but I hear good things.
Secret Diary of a Call Girl (Showtime) - I do believe that Belle is working for herself now.

Shows in Progress
Real World (MTV) - Brooklyn, baby! This just started, so you should be able to catch up quickly.
The City (MTV) - Whitney from The Hills moved East and now has her own show in NYC.
Bromance (MTV) - Yeah, I tried to watch an episode of this, but I just couldn't stomach Brody Jenner's search for a new BFF.
Daddy's Girls (MTV) - The awesome Rev. Run's daughters have their own show now.
Tool Academy (VH-1) - World class douchebags think they are reporting to a Mr. Awesome contest (no joke), only to find their girlfriend's have turned them in for "boyfriend rehab."
Diet Tribe (Lifetime) - Five friends team up to slim down.

Good TV is Back!

F/X has already premiered Damages and Nip/Tuck (still time to catch re-runs of the premieres), Biggest Loser has the fattest and oldest people ever, and The Bachelor has a single dad (also being rerun on this weekend) but that's just the beginning of the post-holiday, good TV you should be watching.

January 9
Monk and Psych come back to USA and Flashpoint is back on CBS.

January 10
Saturday Night Live has Neil Patrick Harris and Taylor Swift. Dare I say - that might be legendary?

January 11
24 is back on Fox! Two nights! Four hours, baby! Plus the Golden Globes! Celebrities booze it up! Probably four hours too, baby!

January 13
American Idol (Fox)

January 16
Friday Night Lights on NBC - please watch this - it's so good. You won't be sorry!

January 21
Lost comes back to ABC and Fox launches Lie to Me starring Tim Roth (from Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction)

January 22
Burn Notice is back on USA and I couldn't be happier!

January 26
TNT is bringing back The Closer and launching Trust Me with Eric McCormick and Tom Cavanaugh

January 29
Hell's Kitchen is back on Fox, donkeys!

I Can Only Deduce That Jessica Simpson Hates Our Troops

Why else would she subject them to this? This is from Sunday night's America United: In Support of Our Troops. Check out her awesome "moves" - she's seriously like one bad album away from stripping or a Playboy pictorial.



Even worse than that, it's possible thats the most insulting part of the entire special was that poor Kathy Griffin had to introduce Girlicious. That's right kids - the supergroup put together on The CW. All I can say is that I can't wait to hear Kathy's take on her role in her next comedy special or season of the D-List. Cause that was wrong.

PS - I spoke too soon - ZZ Top had to perform with her. Inappropriate. So beneath them.



But not at all beneath her. She sure is shaking what her mama gave her. I hope she was properly ashamed when she watched the playback. But I imagine she wasn't. Gross. And sadly, there's something about the display that reminds me of Britney at last year's VMAs. Is J. Simp on her way to a head shaving meltdown? Or will her true love Tony Romo keep her grounded?

Fall TV Analysis: Weekend

Combining the weekend analysis into one post. Nothing new happens on Saturday nights (except Mad TV and Saturday Night Live which both premiere on 9/13), so I'm not bothering to cover. As always, my picks are marked with an asterisk.

Friday's Analysis

CW
Everybody Hates Chris (10/3)
The Game (10/3)
Top Model repeats

Fox
Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader? (9/5)
Don't Forget the Lyrics! (9/12)

ABC
Wife Swap (10/3)
Supernanny* (10/3 - I love to sit in judgement!)
20/20

CBS
Ghost Whisperer* (10/3 - you know I love me some J. Lo. Hew.)
The Ex List* (new - 10/3 - looks cute so I'll give it a shot)
Numbers* (10/3)

NBC
Crusoe (10/17 - new - um, I'm not sure but you know I watch anything once)
Deal or No Deal
Life* (9/29)

Sunday's Analysis

CW
Valentine (9/21- new - Greek gods bringing soulmates together - could be cute if it's anything like Xanadu...)
Easy Money (9/21 - new - drama about loan sharks)

FOX
The Simpsons (9/28)
King of the Hill (9/28)
Family Guy (9/28)
American Dad (9/28)

ABC
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (9/28)
Desperate Housewives* (9/28)
Brothers & Sisters* (9/28 - cannot recommend this show enough)

CBS
Amazing Race* (9/28)
Cold Case* (9/28)
The Unit* (9/28)

NBC
Sunday Night Football (9/4)

Cable
Entourage* (HBO - 9/7)
True Blood* (HBO - 9/7 - new - about vampires living as regular people - I think the creator of Six Feet Under is working on this show so I'll give it a shot)
Dexter* (Showtime - 9/23)
Californication (Showtime - 9/23)

You Better Work!

In honor of tonight's America's Next Top Model premiere episode, and the first admitted transgender contestant (there were some suspect "ladies" in past seasons), I give to you the one and only, RuPaul.



Sashay, Chante people!

Fall TV Analysis: Thursday

Thursday night has some good solid entries - something for everyone. My picks are marked with an asterisk.

CW
Smallville (9/18)
Supernatural* (9/18)

Fox
Hole in the Wall (new - Japanese game show import - 9/11)
Kitchen Nightmares (9/11)

ABC
Ugly Betty* (9/25)
Grey's Anatomy (9/25)
Life on Mars* (new - British drama import with a great cast - I'll give it a shot - 10/9)

CBS
Survivor: Gabon (9/18)
CSI (10/9)
Eleventh Hour* (new - unusual scientific happenings! I'll give it a shot - 10/9)

NBC
My Name Is Earl (9/25 - one hour premiere)
Kath & Kim (new - Molly Shannon and Selma Blair - 10/9)
The Office* (9/25 - one hour premiere)
SNL Weekend Update Thursday (new - I think primarily election coverage - 10/9) (30 Rock returns on 10/30)
ER (9/25)

Fall TV Analysis: Wednesday

Wednesday might be my favorite television night of the week. I am really LOVING ABC's line-up - it really didn't get a fair shake due to the writer's strike so I'm really hoping it's more successful this season because I do not want any of those shows (Pushing Daisies, Private Practice, or my favorite - Dirty Sexy Money) to get canceled. Once again, my picks are noted with an asterisk.

CW
America's Next Top Model* (9/3)
Sylista (new - 10/29 - competing for a job at Elle) (I might check it out)

Fox
Bones* (9/3 - Two hour premiere)
'Til Death (9/10)
Do Not Disturb* (new - 9/10) (Niecy Nash and Jerry O'Connell mean I'll give it a shot, but we'll see)

ABC
Pushing Daisies* (10/1)
Private Practice* (10/1)
Dirty Sexy Money* (10/1)

CBS
New Adventures of Old Christine* (9/24)
Gary Unmarried (new - 9/24)
Criminal Minds * (9/24)
CSI: NY

NBC
Knight Rider* (new - 9/24) (The TV movie used to reboot the series was less than stellar, but I need to give it a shot)
Deal or No Deal (8/25)
Lipstick Jungle * (9/24)

Cable
Friday Night Lights (DirecTV - 10/1 but will be on NBC in January) - I absolutely positively cannot wait for that premiere because this show might be one of the most fantastic shows on television. Don't let the football theme throw you off. I almost didn't watch it because I thought it was too football and that would have been one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

Fall TV Analysis: Tuesday

Once again, my picks are noted with an asterisk.

CW
90210* (new show who wisely chose to cast Rob Estes – 9/2)
Privileged (New drama about rich teens maybe? – 9/9) (will give it a try, but no promises)

Fox
House* (9/16)
Fringe* (New show by J.J. Abrams with Pacey – 90 minute premiere on 9/9)

ABC
Opportunity Knocks (new game show – 9/23)
Dancing with the Stars*
Eli Stone* (10/14)

CBS
NCIS (9/23)
The Mentalist* (new drama with Simon Baker as a private investigator – 9/23)
Without a Trace* (9/23)

NBC
The Biggest Loser: Families* (9/16) (time to stock up on cookies!)
Law & Order: SVU* (9/23)

Cable
The Shield (FX – 9/2)

Fall TV Analysis: Monday

The most wonderful time of the year officially kicks off next week. No, it's not Christmas - though I do enjoy that (aside from the fact that Christmas generally means reruns). No, it's time for the new fall tv season. Now, most shows won't premiere until late September or early October, but we should all take a minute to give thanks for the CW and Fox who say eff that noise and start their seasons next week.

I think I'm going to mount my attack on this monster in a day-by-day approach. However, if you're anxious to see how everything is going to shape up and can't wait for my expert analysis (or perhaps your TV tastes differ from a 14-year-old girl), then feel free to jump over to my sources. But prepare to be bored on my blog for the next week or so.

Day-by-Day Schedule
Premiere Calendar
Shows A-Z

And now for the good stuff! My picks are noted with an asterisk.

Monday's Analysis

CW
Gossip Girl* (9/1)
One Tree Hill* (9/1)

Fox
Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles* (9/8)
Prison Break* (9/1 - Two hour event)

ABC
Dancing with the Stars* (9/22)
Samantha Who?* (10/6)
Boston Legal* (9/22)

CBS
Big Bang Theory* (9/22)
How I Met Your Mother* (9/22)
Two and a Half Men (9/22)
Worst Week (New) (9/22)
CSI: Miami (9/22)

NBC
Chuck* (9/29)
Heroes* (9/22 - Three hour event!)
My Own Worst Enemy* (new - with Christian Slater) (10/13)

Cable TV
Californication (Showtime - 9/22)

Mommy's Home!

Tuesday nights at 10 PM on Oxygen, starting August 26! Miss Janice is back - and this time she's moving in with the models.

This is going to be good.

TV Update - Belated, But You Can Catch Up (Mostly)

So, I've been neglecting summer television listings because there generally hasn't been much to report. That's changed greatly since my last update.

The Closer (TNT) - Started this week, but will be rerun a couple times before the next new episode on Monday.

The Cleaner (A&E) - A new series starring the yummy Benjamin Bratt. That alone is worth the price of admission (which is free because it's on TV, but even if you had to pay, he's worth it). Tuesday nights.

Flashpoint (CBS) - Friday night series starring the pink Power Ranger (you might know her from Felicity) and Enrico Colantoni. I think it's about Toronto hostage negotiators or SWAT or something. I missed the first episode (last Friday) but I think it's on CBS.com if you want to catch up before the next one airs on Friday.

Shear Genius (Bravo) - this started a couple week's ago, but it's Bravo. You should be able to catch a marathon at some point and be all caught up.

Project Runway (Bravo) - just started last night. You'll definitely be able to catch up. The first challenge involved being innovative at the grocery store.

Burn Notice (USA) - Sort of like a one-man A-Team which started its second season last week. And the lead character is so steamy hot, he makes Benjamin Bratt look homely.

Big Brother (CBS) - First eviction was last night, but it's only two episodes in. If you want, you can catch up.

Run's House (MTV) - kind of just a regular feel-good show. About really rich people.

Monk (USA) - New episodes start this Friday

Psych (USA) - I cannot recommend this show enough. New episodes start this Friday.

New Thursday TV!

Finally - something worth mentioning will be on television on Thursday night!

We'll see the return of My Boys (TBS) - an excellent sitcom, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List (Bravo) and Swingtown is back with a second episode (and hopefully, Grant Show's mustache - I am a sucker for that thing!).

I'm so excited!

And the winner is...

First of all, why can't American Idol end on time? Thankfully I got home just before 10 PM and turned on the end of the show or I would have missed the announcement of the winner. Which is, to be fair, a key part of the FINALE. Two hours and they can't manage to make sure the last 10 minutes work out? WTF?

Anyway, it was worth taping the show so that I could fast-forward to the group performances. And I was not disappointed. Right off the bat, I am treated to this - a Motown group sing. And it's not even my birthday. Behold - but beware this clip might cause a seizure:



Please be sure to watch David Archuleta "dance." Particularly when he's walking with two other guys. Cause he kind of moves like the monster in Young Frankenstein. I have hope he can over come this becuase he's young. Sadly, the clip cuts off right before the camera panned the crowd and, more importantly, to one Ms. Janice Dickinson.

And then the next best part was when they made all the female contestants come out dressed like jezebels and harlots in red dresses and sing the songs of Donna Summer AND THEN were joined by Donna Summer! She's no Chaka Khan, but she is a decent substitute.

Also excellent? The jazzy remake of what I call "My Baby Wrote Me a Letter" by Carly and Michael Johns.

Not excellent? Paula's bosoms. She should put those away. This is a family show.

Excellent? The male contestants singing a Bryan Adams medley. David Hernandez - rawr!

Excellent? ZZ Top. I saw one of those guys in a bar in Nashville once. That was awesome. It's also a bar that essentially only serves hot dogs. So pretty much, my favorite bar ever.

Equal parts awesome and frightening? The Guitar Hero commercial featuring David Cook as Tom Cruise in Risky Business? Is there some sort of David Archuleta companion commercial that I fast-forwarded through? I mean, they can't make a commercial with David Archuleta in his underwear because he's a minor, right? Right?

It's increasingly becoming clear that I'm digging the finale which is odd because I've been fairly apathetic about the entire season thus far. But now, I'm won over by the Jonas Brothers song S.O.S. (which is unavoidable because they are everywhere - they were bound to wear me down) and now they are throwing David Archuleta into singing Apolgize with One Republic. And it hardly even sounds like he's singing about Jesus, so clearly he's improving.

Oh wait, now we're back on track. Jordin Sparks has shown horrible judgement by wearing a gold lame (accent on the e) dress. First of all, it's gold. And lame (accent on the e). Secondly, it's not even flattering gold lame (accent on the e).

And now, I'm won back over by video of Gladys Knight with Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey, Jr. as The Pips. Damn you, Fox. You really know how to get me. Midnight Train to Georgia will do it any time. RDJ might even have a future as a Pip if he's interested. He's kind of suave.

Ooh - Carrie Underwood. She's also made an unfortunate fashion choice, but I love this song - Last Name. Also, her legs are so fantastic, it's a crime. Between her and the Pussycat Dolls, I'm starting to think I should wear nothing but heels all the time.

Oh no!!!! The Guitar Hero commercial with Archuleta! It's also Risky Business. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Well at least he's wearing boxers so I don't have to gouge out my eyes.

And just like that, I'm right back in with a George Michael medley. Ooh - they put the boys in suits and gave David Hernandez a lyric with "naked" in it. Risque, Fox, risque. And I think they've amped up the eyeliner on David Cook. Excellent move. Oh man, this whole segment is genius. Even before they brought out George Michael, but that is definitely a welcome addition. Especially because I think he's wearing Katie Holmes' sunglasses.



And even the announcement of the winner won't top that. So, I'll just say - Congratulations, David. And that I was pleasantly surprised at the lack of filler in this finale.

Tyra Picked the Fatty!

Congratulations to Whitney, America's Next Top (and First Plus-Size) Model! She managed to overcome a potential weave-of-death and also being a, gasp, size 10 to win the title. Oh, and her bitchy attitude. She had to overcome that too.

Click here to view her full portfolio, but here's a little peak (photo from CWTV.com):

Worship Me, Bitches!

Here's a little clip in case you missed Christian Siriano on Ugly Betty last night. Please make note of Amanda (the fabulous Becki Newton) working it with the models. Fierce!

Sign of the Apocalypse: Hurl

Oh man. This is going to be awesome. It's like Glutton Bowl x10!

From TVGuide.Com:

G4 is planning a new summer series Hurl! where contestants will try to consume the largest quantity of food. Seems easy enough. Don't you have a gut feeling there's a catch? There is — in the gut. After chowing big time on All-American favorites (think hot dogs, blueberry pie, chicken pot pies), the contestants must endure serious physical challenges, like carnival rides, belly flops off a high dive and mechanical bull-riding — without, you know, getting sick. If they survive that, it's back to the food table to wolf down a whole different menu, and then it's back to physical challenges — and holding off a reversal of fortune. Whoever keeps all their food down wins.In addition to a massive headache, the champ wins the Iron Stomach award and a cash prize. Year's supply of Pepto-Bismol not included. — J.R. Whalen

Sign of the Apocalypse: American Idol Postage Stamps

Um, I like Kelly Clarkson as much as the next person, but really? On a stamp? Dude, it's not like she's Yoda. And also, I have NEVER been so thankful that Clay Aiken didn't win Idol. Gross. Click here to buy your own limited edition American Idol stamps (proceeds to benefit Idol Gives Back). And no, I do not know when the other winners will be released, so if you're dying for Taylor Hicks you're on your own.