I Heart Seth Meyers

You know I do. I'm sad that no one has put the video for this on the internet yet, but I'm hopeful my time will come some day. In the meantime, enjoy the transcript.

Tina Fey: Now it's time for an old favorite here at "Weekend Update" - "Point/Counterpoint". Here to debate tonight are Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter and Boston Red Sox fan Seth Meyers. Tonight's topic on "Point/Counterpoint": "Derek Jeter Sucks" - "No, I Don't". Derek, why don't we start with you.

Derek Jeter: Thanks, Tina. I know my friend Seth Meyers here is a Red Sox fan, and that's great. The fan really are what keep Major League baseball going. But I hope Seth can see that I play hard all the time, and I always do my best for the team.

Tina Fey: Seth, Counterpoint?

Seth Meyers: You suck!

Tina Fey: Seth, you still have, like, thirty seconds.

Seth Meyers: I'll elaborate. Jeter, you suck in three very specific ways. So Hard, So Bad, and Wicked Bad.

Tina Fey: Derek? Response?

Derek Jeter: Well, I’ve heard this argument before, Seth. In fact, Red Sox fans have been nice enough to share this argument with me every time I play in Boston. Or walk in Boston. Or go on a date in a fancy restaurant in Boston. Also, sometimes they drive to Baltimore, when we play the Orioles, to tell me I suck. [ Seth starts chanting "Der-ek!" in Derek's ear ] But if you look at my numbers, you'll find that I'm a very productive shortshop. Seth, what are you doing? You've been following me around all week screaming at me.

Seth Meyers: I'm sorry, Derek.. really.. I really am. It's just you and people like you ruined my entire childhood. So I swore if I ever got within six feet of a real Yankee, I'd kick his ass. But then I saw you.. and I knew that that could not happen. But, thankfully, this can happen - You suck!

Derek Jeter: Seth, I don't suck. I've won four World Series rings in six years.

Seth Meyers: Valid point. But if there was a World Series of sucking, you'd have, like, a hundred rings!

Derek Jeter: What?! Alright, look.. Nomar Garciaparr's a great player. Is it okay to say he sucks?

Seth Meyers: [ aghast ] What.. did you say..?

Derek Jeter: I don't think he sucks, I'm trying to prove a point!

Seth Meyers: [ crying ] Well, why would you say that..? You said that Nomar.. he has a broken wrist.. and he's so nice.. and he's like my best friend..!

Derek Jeter: Seth, Seth.. I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?

Seth Meyers: Will you come play for Boston?

Derek Jeter: No. No.

Seth Meyers: Then, sign my hat?

Derek Jeter: Sure, man, no problem.

Seth Meyers: Will you sign it as Nomar?

Derek Jeter: Whatever.. whatever.. [ signs the hat ]

Seth Meyers: Thanks, Derek. You know, you don't suck.

Derek Jeter: Thanks, Seth. You do suck, a little.

Seth Meyers: I know.. I know..

Tina Fey: This has been "Point/Counterpoint".

Hands down, my favorite part is "Jeter, you suck in three very specific ways. So Hard, So Bad, and Wicked Bad." I have actually used that line (minus the Jeter reference) in my real life.